I have spent most of my life labelling myself as being incredibly unlucky in love, in fact, I don’t think I ever really understood what a true unconditional loving relationship was, or even the purpose of such a relationship. During my young adult years I believed love was this wonderful thing where your partner completed your life and it was their job to make you happy, or if I am really honest, their job was to keep me from feeling anything other than positive things. So when I did not feel positive all the time, I felt as though they were failing as a partner, not meeting my needs and maybe I belonged with someone else. I think most of us have this fixation that our happiness and contentment in life comes from a source outside of ourselves, and this is probably one of the biggest fallacies. Because no-thing exists without first existing within us. If you properly understand the world and life as we know it, then the most fundamental principle which I will explain further in a future blog is that EVERYTHING is connected and originates from one. In order to have anything in your life you must first be the source of it, otherwise you will not be capable of experiencing it. When I finally grasped this concept I finally understood the mysteries of enduring love and romance. In order for me to experience love I must first be the source of it.
After years of toxic relationships and dead ends, I realised that what I was really missing in my life wasn’t a person to love me, fix my life or make it better, it was to begin loving who I am. I realised the only way to do this was to take away all my distractions and temptations and focus solely on cultivating love for myself. So for a whole year I did not go on any dates or attempt to meet new men, I took myself out and got used to doing things on my own. I really took care of myself, and did things that I enjoyed and started to thoroughly relish my own company. I started seeing myself as strong, and my heart began to grow. I noticed I stopped criticising myself and treating myself harshly, I stopped making jokes at my own expense and was really kind to myself. One evening, after my year long sabbatical I felt a strong longing for a partner, it felt like it was time to meet someone and share my love. So I wrote down a list of traits that I wanted in my ideal partner, and then I did something I had never done before, I wrote down a list of the traits of my ideal self, one that would be complimentary of a man as worthy as the one I was dreaming of.
A few months later I met a man who almost instantly became my best friend, we shared the same passion for food and Japanese cuisine, both love music, have the same values in life and a very similar sense of humour. Although, these beautiful qualities alone are not what made me fall in love with this man, early on in our relationship we faced many obstacles, the baggage from my past had surfaced and old wounds were suddenly wide open from the intensity of our relationship. But it was how he responded to these obstacles that helped me to see him in a brighter light. He responded with patience and a genuine desire to understand me, he didn’t judge my flaws or reconsider his feelings for me. He showed me loyalty and responded with love. It was then I realised I finally wasn’t alone in my struggle for healing, I had someone who I could feel safe enough with to expose my wounds and together find a way to heal.
I have always believed that the purpose of a romantic relationship is to have someone in our lives that will join us in the journey for spiritual growth. It is not a relationship based on what we can get but a lesson on understanding the true beauty of giving and service, because when we give our partner love and complete understanding we are rewarded with an abundance of love in return.
The most common mistake we all make is believing that once we meet the right person all our fears, insecurities, bad habits, former mistakes and issues just melt away and you live happily ever after. Unfortunately, all your issues are just dormant until you meet someone who you become so connected to emotionally that the potency of the feelings you have for one another tend to also mirror all the intense emotional issues you have buried deep inside. You no longer have control, all the feelings come to the surface and need to be faced. It can feel incredibly overwhelming when this happens, and how we deal with this is what determines whether we continue to repeat old negative relationship patterns, or allow it to be an opportunity to discover and learn more about ourselves. For any relationship to stand a chance at a happily ever after there must be a level of accountability and ownership of your part in the issues that arise. A lot of the tensions we encounter in relationships are an outward projection of something that is going on within.
For instance, when a person exhibits jealousy and paranoia about their partner in circumstances where the jealousy is unfounded, unreasonable and unprovoked it is an indication that there are insecurity issues and trust problems within themselves that need to be addressed, and the resolution probably isn’t changing their partner because more than likely they will encounter the same issues with someone else. It is important to start taking responsibility of our own feelings and really examine why it is they feel the way they do. What has caused our outlook on love and relationships to be the way it is and what we need to do to heal and grow.
We can only achieve a mature, loving and mutually beneficial relationship with another person when we first develop one with ourselves. It is impossible to even fathom having a healthy and fulfilling relationship with another person if we are not fully content with ourselves as individuals.